My wall was built triple thickness and double height. I was going to protect myself for ever more. I was afraid to be anything other than mediocre. For too long I had been controlled by my abuser and as a child into my teenage years I had learned to not be courageous. Because no one came to my rescue. When I had been brave, nothing. No one. So, I gave my power to my fears to stay safe.
From Fear to Courage
Dec 14, 2020
It was far safer to keep quiet. To protect myself. To do as I was told even into my adult life.
I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t try for anything. I didn’t have big hopes and dreams. I was grateful for what I had been told I was having. I didn’t think to go after what I wanted because I hadn’t ever found out what that might be.
However, sitting inside my fortress was uncomfortable. I was fearful of doing anything. I was afraid to consider what my dreams might actually be. I was scared to live in accordance with how I wanted to live,...
Is it time to take off your MASKS?
Dec 14, 2020
I have been thinking about all the masks I have worn in the past and those that I have been wearing lately.
What MASKS have I worn?
In the past, and until relatively recently, I had a plethora of masks I used to wear.
I had masks of confidence, perfectionism, fearlessness, bravery, carelessness, strength, victim, intellectual, knowledgeable and I even had a mask of woefulness and martyrdom.
Oh, yes, I wore a lot of masks and I know there were many more, although those ones spring immediately to mind as I write this. From a very young age I learnt to wear my masks, because I needed to hide.
I suffered a terrible trauma and was controlled and manipulated from a very young age until my early 20’s and during that time I wore many masks to get me through. Some masks I was definitely shown to wear and others I simply learnt to wear through fear, shame, anger, pain, guilt, embarrassment.
Some I wore consciously...
